Frogs of War
by ConnerWithARailgun
Summary: Book 1 of the Rik/Vyvyan Chronicles. The lads from Scumbag University find an alien frog in their student house, investigate a time warp anomaly. Now the lads must reunite Private Tamama with his platoon, before the timeline is irreparably destroyed. And worse, Vyvyan is lost in Feudal Japan?


**_Frogs of War  
Episode 1: 14:09, October 12_** ** _th_** ** _, 1982 (The Beginning)_**

* * *

"VYVYAN! YOU BASTARD!" Rick screamed at the top of his lungs. "THAT'S MY PERSONAL PWOPERTY!"

"Yeah, that's why I'm smashing it!" Vyvyan replied.

* * *

 _Rick was a spotty, brown haired 19 year old, who wore dirty grey button-ups and black blazers covered in various political buttons and badges. He wore his hair in a braided rats tail at the back, and it stuck out wildly in the front. He had blue eyes that seemed to bulge out of their sockets, like he had taken a serious blow to the head at some point. And trust me, personality wise, he was just as unpleasant as his appearance. He was a student at Scumbag University, studying as a Sociology Major with a minor in Domestic Sciences._

 _Vyvyan Bastard (a rather apt surname, considering he had no idea who his father was), was a tall, 19 and a-half year old skinny punk, with flaming orange hair that he styled in a Mohawk. He had metal stars pierced to his forehead, and wore a nose ring. He wore a black RUSH t-shirt, and blue jeans and a studded denim jacket. He wore black army boots and studded leather wristbands. Like Rick, he also suffered from acne. And his personality, while not unpleasant as Ricks, did come with an interesting compulsion to vandalise everything in his vicinity. Like Rick, he was studying at Scumbag University, training to be a Surgeon._

* * *

Currently, the two were standing in the garden of their student house. Vyvyan was holding Rick's record player, with the intention of hurling it into the air and smashing it with his cricket bat. Simply to find out what would happen.

"YOU JUST WANT TO SMASH IT TO HURT ME, DON'T YOU VYVYAN!" Rick screamed, as he tried to wrestle the device away from Vyvyan's grip. However, despite his slender build, Vyvyan was UNCOMMONLY strong.

"Yes I do." Vyvyan agreed as he pushed Rick on the chest, sending him flying onto his arse. "Now piss off!"

Vyvyan threw the device into the air, and readied his cricket bat. He went sailing several miles upwards.

"What if I told you that the wecord player belongs to Neil, hmm? What would you do about THAT! Bogey Bweath!" Rick said smugly. Vyvyan grabbed his collar and pull him close.

"In that case Rick, I shall have to find an alternative method of hurting you."

 ** _*SMASH!_**

Vyvyan slammed the cricket bat into Rick's jaw, bloodying Rick's nose and knocking out several teeth. Rick fell on the floor again, out cold. There was a whistling noise, indicating that the record player had begun its decent.

"Ah, finally! I can continue my experiment in peace!" Vyvyan grunted, as he readied his now bloody cricket bat.

The record player fell and was for a split second level with Vyvyan. He swung the bat with all his might.

And missed.

As he swung, he let go of the bat launching it through the window of the house and smashing a hole in the kitchen wall. The record player crashed onto the floor at Vyvyan's feet, splintering into millions of pieces.

"Damn! Missed!" Vyvyan grunted, as he looked at Rick, who was still on the floor. "Why can't you have a more aerodynamic record player! Poof!"

Vyvyan's tiny rant was interrupted by Mike, who strolled out onto the garden, his aviator shades gleaming in the son.

"Only 43 minutes in the bathroom, and Mike Thecoolperson looks fantastic!" Mike muttered to himself as he kept on walking, hands in his pockets. He looked at Vyvyan, and nodded slightly, a gesture Vyvyan returned. He then looked at Rick.

"Rick, I don't mean to disappoint you, but October is hardly the time of year to take up sunbathing." Mike said, looking at the cloudy sky. He then looked back at Rick. "Although considering your complexion Rick, maybe you've got the right idea to ween yourself into it. Start of slow, y'know."

"Um, Michael." Vyvyan piped up, his voice subdued in the presence of Mike. "He's not sunbathing. He's unconscious. I just smashed his face in with my cricket bat!"

Mike adjusted his shades. "Huh? I never realised the lazy bone was the jaw."

* * *

 _Mike Thecoolperson was the rather enigmatic leader of the household. He was 31, registered at Scumbag as a "Mature Student." He didn't talk much about himself, and when he did he spoke almost exclusively in nonsensical metaphors. He was rather diminutive, a clear foot and half shorter than Vyvyan, who was the biggest member of the house. He wore extremely stylish tailored suits, and had a definite flair for the things he did. He tended to have "A Mate" for almost anything, and was definitely the shadiest member of the house. But, the other's respected him. As it should be._

* * *

Mike looked at the broken record player and shook his head. "Vyvyan! What is this mess?"

"It's a record player Mike!" Vyvyan grinned.

"I know that Vyv! What I'm asking is why the record player is smashed into a million pieces?" Mike said, pointing at the pile of parts.

"I was doing an experiment Mike!" Vyvyan claimed. "I wanted to see what would happen if I smashed Rick's record player with a cricket bat!"

"I should think you'd be able to _estimate_ that particular result Vyvyan." Mike said. He looked back down at the record player. "Do you have any idea how long it's gonna take Neil to clean up this mess!"

"Speaking of Neil, when's supper ready?" Vyvyan asked, patting his stomach. "I'm bloody starving! It's gotta be almost twenty minutes since I last ate."

Mike and Vyvyan entered the house. The inside of the house seemed to have been routinely vandalised over and over again. The walls had cracks in them, and the furniture had slash marks, and the cupboards had several doors hanging off the hinges.

Standing over the old stove was the fourth and final housemate, Neil.

* * *

 _Neil Pye was a 22 year old hippie. He had extremely long brown hair, and wore dirty grey shirts and pants. He was the second tallest house member, after Vyvyan. Neil generally did the cooking and cleaning. It wasn't that he was a naturally nurturing person...oh no. It was because he was far too meek a person to stick up for himself, and thus the servitude and verbal abuse was lumped onto him. Still, Neil had his own passions. Such as the Astrological Star Chart that he loves to paint. Currently, Neil was a student at Scumbag Universities, Majoring in Peace Studies._

* * *

Currently, Neil was hunched over a frying pan, as a the vegetarian sausages he was cooking sizzled away. The oven was also on, cooking some of Safeways Oven-Ready Chips in a metal pan.

"At least it will be all over for you Sausages." Neil said in his normal moaning tone. "Unlike me, who's got to live in this place and cook tea again tomorrow night!"

"Hey Neil!" Vyvyan said, as he and Mike marched in from the garden. Vyvyan looked at the kitchen table, where his cricket bat was embedded. Vyvyan grabbed the handle, and with a grunt, yanked it out, leaving a gaping hole in the table. He swung the bat over his shoulder and waved happily at Neil. "Is tea ready yet?"

"Erm...not yet Vyv." Neil said. He winced and braced himself for Vyvyan's inevitable violent tantrum. A violent act was certain. The only question is whether Vyv would strike him with the cricket bat, or hurl some piece of debris at him.

"Oh no!" Vyvyan grumbled, as he marched over to the fridge. He grabbed the door handle, and wrenched the door off the hinges, tossing the door onto the ground. He then stuck his head in the fridge.

"AHA! I FOUND IT!" Vyvyan yelled, as he pulled out of the fridge, holding a foil carton full of meat and madras sauce. "MY EMERGENCY CURRY!"

Vyvyan ran to the cutlery draw where the knives and forks were. Instead of pulling the draw out to get himself a fork, he simply punched through the kitchen counter, and yanked out a fork, and dug in, eating his emergency curry.

"Vyvyan, I didn't know you ate curry." Neil said, as he looked at his rather burnt and pitiful sausages, and dumped them onto a serving plate.

"I'm normally not allowed too." Vyvyan mumbled, as he stuffed his face full of mutton and sauce.

"Why not Vyv?" Neil asked, as he opened the over to pull out the burnt chips.

"They make me gassy..." Vyv said with a grin. This grin was punctuated with a slow raspberry noise. It was a foul smelling, noxious rumble.

"Oh god Vyv!" Mike said, holding his knows. "What on earth is in that curry?"

"Yeah Vyv! Oh god, this is really gonna screw up my chi!" Neil moaned, wafting in front of his face.

"Yeah, it's really stinky." Said an unknown voice.

The three lads snapped their heads around to the top of the kitchen counter, where the unknown voice came from. Some wall paper was peeling away, to reveal a tiny, foot high frog like creature. It wore a yellow hat with floppy, dog-like ears attached. It had a white face and belly, but apart from that it had mostly black skin. It had sparkly round eyes, and it had a tadpole-like tail. On its hat and belly, was a two coloured heart symbol, except the heart was sharp and angular.

"Uh-oh..." Said Private Tamama.


End file.
